Imposter Syndrome and Helpful Tips

                                      Imposter Syndrome and Helpful Tips
                                       By: Stephanie Donofrio, LMFT

10/5/2021




Has your self talk ever sounded like this? “I doubt myself often, I feel incompetent, everyone seems to have it together except me, I don’t know what to do,  I don’t feel like I earned to be where I am, I’m a fake, I’m a phony”.   

​According to the Harvard Business Review, the definition of Imposter Syndrome is  “A feeling of inadequacy that persists despite evident success”.   Many Individuals suffer from chronic self doubt regardless of their education, experience and earlier success. 

Imposter syndrome originates oftentimes from earlier experiences such as how one relates to their environment, how they identify themselves, what earlier messages or labels a person  has received and buys into.  This could derive from one’s family of origin, community, socio-economic status, religious affiliation, extracurricular involvement, peers, and other influential leaders in one’s life. 

I’ve found some common personality themes among “Imposters” such as perfectionism. Some familiar examples of perfectionism is holding oneself or performance to the highest standard, a martyr-like dynamic where individuals have the mindset that success must be earned, saying to self “it must be hard and stressful.  One must sacrifice for success.   Another common dynamic is putting pressure on oneself that one must get a task or exam right the first try, having to work at it must mean that they are less than those who have accomplished it with perceived less time and effort.  Another internal message is often that one must learn and develop a skill on their own verses having a mentor or learning from another person.  

The truth is most of this negative self dialogue is garbage.  Please remind yourself of previous successes you’ve had.  The odds are everyone reading this can think of at least one time they were able to learn or have success.  If this is the case, the odds are that you will have additional wins in your future as well. 

Maybe you are a health professional reading this, maybe you’re finishing a grad program or another great feat.  If any of this resonates with you, please remind yourself of the endless hours you have put in, the people that have loved and respect you, remind yourself of that time you won the Spelling Bee in sixth grade, whatever you have to do.   You are NOT an Imposter.  YOU DID THE WORK! YOU HAVE VALUE.  No one can take these accomplishments from you. 

In my work as a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, I have seen in others and experienced myself specific factors that make us more prone to Imposter syndrome/outbreaks such as when we do the following. 

Overwhelmed/ Over-scheduled and Overextended in personal and professional life
Are there areas that you could or might need to say no to?   What are the expectations you face, are they realistic?  Are these perceived expectations (cognitive distortions)  or reality based?   Finding the answers to these questions might help give you some direction for your next step. 

Surrounding yourself around unsupportive people
Do you find the people you spend the most time from or seek consult from are unsupportive, judgmental, insecure or feel threatened by other’s success, experience or knowledge?   I truly believe in the power of 5 concept.  The five people you tend to seek out or spend the time with the most will have the most influence over decisions and choices you make.    Surround yourself with eagles or those that are  currently doing what you want to do,  not chickens, those that run in circles afraid their is not enough feed for all the chickens.

If I’m not a Hero, I’m a Zero
Do you feel sole-y responsible for the outcome? Do you feel like your efforts are critical to keep others alive?   I respect that you take others trusting you with their most private struggles seriously and your desire to help them.  However, please remind yourself that empowering others to take action and ownership necessary to  which allows them to narrate  and write the ending to their own stories. It’s not our book to write but to help hold.  It’s important to check in with ourselves when things feel so serious.   

Fear of Failure
Do you procrastinate on reports, notes or other important “to dos”?  Do you show up just in time or late to commitments?  Do you feel intimidated by your supervisor, colleagues or clients? 
If the answer is yes, what I have learned from my own experience over the years  is that you are most likely not lazy.  Helpers tend to be avoiders because they are perfectionists.  You want to be helpful, you want things well written, you overanalyze the tasks ahead of you and speak critical of yourself.  How could you expect to make movement and feel confident about it under those circumstances?  

​Your task is just that, a task.  It’s not the creation of dead sea scrolls or a new draft of the constitution.   It matters, but can’t matter so much that it steals your peace and makes you want to leave your job and sell cotton candy at the circus instead.  (But if you do, I give you credit, I tried making cotton candy before, it’s not easy)  Imposter syndrome although can be more common earlier in our careers, no one is immune to it and can experience it at different times in their lives.   Remember it’s a feeling… not a fact.  

In conclusion, Other helpful tips to regroup yourself when feeling imposter syndrome: 

            * Dress the part.  Get up a little earlier so you can put on your costume (dress clothes or whatever it might be) so that      you feel comfortable, confident and can focus on being your most authentic self.  
       
        * You know Maslow?  Please for the sake of goodness,  EAT.   Please make sure you take the time for your own nutrition/getting movement.  No one has ever planted a tree in honor of all the those who gave up lunch breaks to do back to back appointments.  We have a higher likelihood of not feeling we are performing well under these circumstances.   
          
          * If you feel an earthquake, it’s okay to take cover.    If you feel jittery in your body or unsettled and emotions are rising and you feel filled with doubt; you’re allowed to excuse yourself, take a break to breath and feel your feet on the ground.  Focus on relaxation, reaffirm yourself worth.Please do not ignore your body communicating with you.   I also encourage you to find a trusted colleague in the field to consult with afterwards so you can leave for the day and truly leave your doubt/fears as well. 
  
        * Are you afraid of being successful?   I know this could sound strange to some. However others may relate.   Dig deeper, where does this message come from?  Are you afraid what others may think of you and the work you do?  Do you fear judgement from your family of origin, will your community still respect or relate to you?   I believe some  imposter syndrome that individuals experience is related to  these blocks and barriers. I highly recommend getting continued support around this from previous mentioned eagles or others doing what you are doing or want to do.  Process this in your own personal therapy or how it impacts your success in business in your own consultation or supervision.   The awareness of it alone can help make some small desired positive shifts.
  
        * Grow!  Continue to take interest in the niche areas that inspire and motivate you most.  Make those CEU’s count.   When we continue to take classes, watch ted talks, listen to podcasts, read books and continue to educate ourselves on the areas we work most with, it will directly benefit the work we do as well. It helps us feel more prepared, helpful and ready for what comes our way